Cardioalchemist

So I went out alone.

2004-08-23T21:21:07Z

I had a bit of reading to do of Benito Cerino (Melville) yesterday, so I decided to take a trip to the mill. For those of you unaware, that place is really important to me. Symbolically, it represents my freedom, my love. When I used to row, I would try to impress Natalie--a girl who would take me every day. She never struck me as attractive, but--at the time, she seemed easy-prey: someone who could make me feel smart. I would tell her about my limited (which at that time seemed infinitely perfect) atheist ideas--and she, by a sheer expression of good character, would take my words and actually listen.

She was the only person i've met who, though she didn't like what I was saying, and didn't agree, would stick with my ability to say what I feel to the death, without criticizing me or thinking less of me.

One day we were running a bit late for rowing, she had just gotten back from the waterfall after skipping school all day with her boyfriend. On the way there, she asked if i'd ever seen the waterfall. I said that I hadn't, but that i'd love to. So we decided to show up an unheard of hour late and just relax by the waterfall for a while.

She taught me that beauty was not on the surface, but that it was not too far out of reach.

The second time I came back there, romance was slowly building with Abby. the first time I had really held her. being able to run away from civilization with her, cast away all care, get muddy and sodden with river-water--abandon thought and reason, with a bit of mutual care, and nothing else.

That "nothing else" is something that i've scarcely achieved in my lifetime--and can only aspire to achieve few more times.

After that I would come back as near-often as I could manage, trying to remember. Ultimately I decided that I needed to take it with me, that I wanted to capture the feeling I had shared. I started returning almost daily to paint it--about 2 or 3 hours a day after school. The only person I ever ran into was a photographer, who was pleased by a nod and a partially gestured wave and not a word spoken.

Everything I felt on that day comes back when I look at that painting.

Anyway, I went down yesterday to that rock upon which we first lain--only to find my throne of emotion usurped by a beautiful couple, likely in their late twenties.

They left together with nothing but smiles and a golden retriever. I couldn't persuade the tears from my eyes as I watched them, found a new seat, and read page after page with an indisguisable smile. They left together with arms locked around hearts with one of those light, dreamy, and substantial conversations that we plead with ourselves for once a couple has grown stale.

I chose to respect the sanctity of their throne of love, and return back through the "No Trespassing" signs to my car.

Current events

2004-08-19T05:20:12Z

Well, school has started again, which means that my writing has picked up where it left off--and maybe transgressed the summer's lax state with splendor greater than of hard-pressed moments of work in years passed.

I've been reading much recently. I only have really one text-book this year, the rest of my classes have stacks of paper-back books by real authors. I've grown an affection for literature.

I don't have time, i've stayed up too late to-night, but I have written a short summary of 'faith'--yes that christian word that makes you cringe by its seemingly ignorant 'leap in-to the dark'

I assure you, I mean not to do that.

http://eli.mutatorr.net/school/apol/what_is_faith_q.html

Update

2004-06-12T05:31:43Z

So I've been dating some girls, recently. I just found out that one of them is 14 and one of them now has a boyfriend. They're both smart, and will make good friends.

I'm going to Six Flags tomorrow, alone unless anyone wants to come.

I have two extra tickets to Curiosa, if anyone wants them I'll give them to friends at $40 (less than what I paid). the show is sure to sell out. Thursday, The Cure, Interpol, Mogwai, and muse... if you hadn't heard.

Johnny's pizza took money from me, so i'm going to go fuck them for my money tomorrow and never tip them again.

I can't wait until my my pending transactions post so I can go drive around and argue over other meaningless dollar figures that collectively put a hole in my pocket.

Alright, already, we'll all float on.

I'm going to bed.

Even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on.

greatromance @ 2004-05-15T17:39:00

2004-05-15T22:13:30Z

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I have three egos, forgive my id when it becomes conveluted. These three egos are rooted in what I have found to be distinct internal drives.

I want a best friend: they have come and gone, usually I'm not their best friend, but they're my best friend. Right now they seem to have gone for a while. More often than not they're people I date--I think that's a bad habbit to be in. It seems no one wants to know me more than "Hi how are you?"

All attempts (though somewhat subtle) at anything deeper than "What happend in your life today?" end in vein and disappointingly awkward moments. I'm pretty sure everyone feels this way from time to time, but I haven't felt this way for so long a period of time.

I want a date people. However insignificant a force this appears and comes out as, it seems to be the most recurring force in my life. Coming back from time to time in full, though seemingly little power. Most call this feeling lonliness--and most people try to fix it--I guess that's why I can't call it lonliness: I don't try.

I want to die. More than that, I want to sound like an intelligent person making that claim. I want attention sometimes, and I want to be left alone sometimes... Apart from these two feelings comes a suicidal depressing one. When I don't feel any need to have any intervention with other people I get this deep feeling that I should just start living with only myself--I know i'll regret it, so I never do.

Steming from this drive is my desire to forget everyone--forget everything. Sometimes I feel happy--that's when I'm able to forget everything. Usually my best friends do a good job of letting me do that--I find it hard to feel this way recently without lying to myself: convincing myself that people care for me a lot more than they do in actuality--more often than not, this person comes off as a careless, happy-go-lucky person. Good to know that it comes from lies and suicidal abstinence, eh?

In addition to me there are patterns I see in the most important people to me. I suppose i'll start with those to which I give the most thought--as they seem to come easier to me.

Abby seems to be running in a circle. She tries, she really tries... she continually runs faster and faster, trying to do better--but she's just running in the same circle. And after she has tried too hard she'll get tired, and eventually, she will collapse. She picks it right back up when there is someone to pick her up. Following is a game of chase in which no one really knows who is chasing who, beautiful in it's chaos, but doomed also because of it.

<CENTER>Ring around the rosie A pocket full of posies Ashes, Ashes, <We all fall down</CENTER>

Danielle was best friend to both Katy and Abby--typically whichever one was not best friending danni would decide that they needed me to be their best friend--sort of like a fallback type thing. Now that Danni is gone, they have eachother, and will not depart from one annother's emotional embrace.

Katy seems to care for me, or anyone for that matter, when it feels right. She has become Abby's best friend and seems very enthusiastic about it. She almost always seems to have a best friend and, when she doesn't, I happily fill the role... even if she doesn't take notice.

Admist this is Sean, battering away at Abby, trying to both keep his cool and strike a best friend. He constantly seeks reassurance from me that I have not grown bitter or angry toward him for some incitory act. To be honest, yes I feel a bit of hostility toward him--Yes, I feel a bit of hostility toward Abby--Yes, I feel a bit of hostility toward Katy--Yes, I can continue naming people indefinately. People hurt other people from time to time--it happens. That doesn't mean I'm going to let it supercede my friendships. That also doesn't mean that I'm going to pretend everything is alright.

I can't think of a means of mentioning Slava or Dannielle independant of one-another, so I suppose i'll speak on both accounts. Slava is trustworthy, truthful, and any other words that start with "tru". He's passionate for that which he beleives and maintains himself throughout. Dannielle shares his strong devotion to the power of good. resulting from this are two extremely dependable people--and also two contingent people. Though dannielle seems to hide it better, they both tend to rely heavily on others--and when people fall short, hell has been known to break loose. I'm really happy that they have eachother to fall onto.

Elizabeth, Shanon, Tiffany, Erika, and most everyone I know at school have done a lot of drugs and probably know life on a deeper level than i'll ever know. Most of them have no reliance upon anything or anyone, and resulting is an actual person. I hate the process, but I can't help but admire the result--these are true-to-god people.

Sitting in the middle is me,

greatromance @ 2004-05-10T20:36:00

2004-05-11T00:24:08Z

Sometimes people make me feel used. My best of friends, from time to time, i'm not sure they intend to hurt me. Sometimes people just need to use me. I mind it greatly--way more than I should. I use people in a smilar fashion to a greater extent, yet I mind, when the same returns to me. Selfishness, I suppose. I'm going to stop using people.

Anyone want some friendship?

greatromance @ 2004-05-04T19:26:00

2004-05-04T23:36:58Z

no time to update recently, nor do I have time now.

Work schedule:
Wed: 7-12
Thu: off
Fri: 7-1 *payday*
Sat: 7-1
Sun: 5-1
mon: off
tue: off

School Schedule:
Wed: 7-pg Gatsby paper due; phase 2 marriage project due; Reproductive system test; Cat discection (cont.); get back what is more than likely my worst math test grade in my high school career; History 3-unit Test;
Thu: AP Psych Final; Take a godamned break for once
Fri: Heavy workload, finishing course material in Math and History; Cat discection (cont.); English Test;
Mon: a REAL break (maybe some studying for psych AP test);
Tue: AP Test (Psychology);

greatromance @ 2004-04-28T22:16:00

2004-04-29T02:26:01Z

Working a lot recently, haven't had time for most of my schoolwork, so today i'm trying to salvage my algebra grade. I'm afraid that if I were to get a C in algebra2, I'd have to shoot myself in the throat a few times to make the death slow and painful, so that, after about five minutes, it would cover up the pain of getting a fucking C in algebra 2.

I know all of this like the back of my fucking hand, If I get a C, Mr. Stevens is going to get to know the back of my hand pretty well too.

I finished chapter 3, sorry I haven't been around to see any of you recently. Work is hectic, and neverending. I finished the literary/art magazine today, final publish done. Burning the CD... sometime.

First day of production-line work is tomorrow. I'm not too worried about it. All of the subroutines have been stress tested invididualy for the last few days. The final compile should make things run a lot smoother and not be so resource-consuming. I do, however, REALLY have to get around to fucking memorizing some of these ice cream combinations.

I've put off work enough, I wish I could make this post longer, but i've killed too much time already.

Still don't have this weekend's work schedule, but the owner really seems to like me (and making me work, subsequently). I'm a closer, which means, he really trusts me and admires my work-ethic, which is great.

Just remembered, Obligatory quote:
While being taught how to make the waffle-cones, (yes, I have to actually make them, in addition to everything else) Rob (one of my 3 bosses) said:

"Ever roll a joint before? It's kind of like that, you want to pack the corners in really tight so that there aren't any holes. Of course... I only know that from movies... (looks around to see who else is around us) and too much spare time in college"

Just so it's clear: Whenever i say "you", it's not specific to any person.

2004-04-23T02:49:25Z

I've grown to accustomed to have people listen to me when I have nothing to say.

No one seems to care about my meaningless bullshit that will be over in a week, anymore. I used to think that's what best friends were for but, now I don't think so; I want to think I have best friends.

I hate who i'm becoming--it seems as if everyone else does, too. I feel like shit, and can't talk to anyone because, well, I am shit.

No more pool party saturday. I don't have any plans any day but work on sunday. I don't want to drive anyhwhere. I don't want to call anyone, Everyone is growing sick of me, I feel it in their voice.

I guess i'll hide away alone for a few weeks. If you want me, come get me: apart from that, i'll take your words as kind phrases to make me feel better, and leave you alone, as you'd rather be.

Elizabeth just found out that she had a miscarriage.
She's decided not to tell patrick.
I have fresh nail polish.
the pool party is off saturday.
my phone is off all weekend.
my heart feels empty and without place.

The Birds and the Bees

2004-04-22T00:37:27Z

It's about time I explained something that, if you've been talking to me recently, i've probably tried and invariably failed to explain to you already: Sex.

I recently talked about stress, so in due turn, I'll pick up from there. Along with any technological advancement comes a lot of simplification and a lot of confusion--with most trends leaning toward simplification outweighing confusion. Regardless, confusion is an inherent part of present-day society.

When I'm speaking of stress, i'm not referring to merely a feeling or emotion; i'm talking about physical strain on the body, both physiologically and psychologically. Humans, compared to other animals, have a lot of stress to deal with.

Most species have black and white goals in life: survival, reproduction, death. Humans have much more obligations and pretenses surrounding the same goals. Our 'superior' mental abilities lead us to believe that we take on more meaning. The result of this is a constant push toward something distinct and malleable that we can call 'advancement.'

The truth of the matter, however, is that we're animals, with the same basic needs and purpose of animals.

Everyone, from time to time, begins to feel that their life lacks meaning. Who ever said that it was going to have meaning? Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling anyone to go out and kill themselves, that wouldn't satisfy any needs.

There is a clear contradiction between our in-born views on life and our socially-defined views on life. We all feel it from time to time, something will feel unnatural because society convinces us that we're wrong for feeling these natural, in-born feelings. Why does society do that? In hopes of changing the human psyche, which it is getting dangerously close to doing. Why are we denying our feelings?

-------------------

Human beings have evolved in order to maintain a certain homeostatic level. In order to establish a "better society", we go against our natural feeling for something completely unnatural--Inevitably our body does not like it, and stress results. Call if advancement if you want, but it's killing us, literaly. We now have to turn to drugs and television to maintain a healthy life, as defined by society.

In a natural being, good comes and goes, as does bad--the being acts upon them respectively.

In humans, good comes and goes and we act with social reserve, rationalization, manipulation, regret and forethought and end up with a mess of confused emotions.

For the first time in my life, I'm looking at myself. I'm looking at some of the horrible things I do to myself and others. Most of them involved establishing some sort of a destructive 'relationship.' Most relationships are destructive and unnatural because they follow a most extrinsic agenda.

I think that it's about time that I think clearly, and stop denying natural feeling. There are a lot of manufactured and artificial circumstances and emotions that I'm doing away with.

So far i've been having a blast, stress is disappearing and i'm having a lot of fun.

Issue only arises when I'm stuck with a sexual desire. Please keep in mind that my 'sexual desire' is not defined as society has it defined: sexual desire is some sort of mushy-gushy affectionate behavior. In sincerity, whether it's an arm around me or a vagina makes little difference to me. I don't want to impose myself onto other people, and cause even greater issues in their complex lives.

Maybe i'll meet someone with the same stupid ideas as me.

greatromance @ 2004-04-21T20:18:00

2004-04-22T00:02:19Z

I had something to say, let's see if it comes back.

This one's been broiling a while, finally wrote it out

2004-04-20T19:56:53Z

There is a common misconception in society that stressful events are negative, when in actuality, we are as stressed by wonderful things as we are by terrible. Consider for instance a wedding, and the amount of stress surrounding it. A wedding by itself is a wonderful events, but it's foolish to deny the inherent stress resulting.

Yet: If a person were to tell you that you were stressing them out, you would take it as an insult. Why is it? We hate the thought that we are contributing to a person feeling bad.

It's terrible to make a person feel bad or add stress to their life, so we try to avoid it; But we're ignoring a greater problem created by denying it: When we lie to a person, whether vocalized or not, we are allowing the source of stress to continue. We are willing to tell anyone but the source of our stress that they are stressing us out. Why is it this way? I comes as relief to be able to identify the source of our stress, but it doesn't fix anything.

A few months ago I had a theory about the correlation between stress and obesity. I erred on lots of details including a direct correlation between a specific hormone or neurotransmitter and obesity being triggered by stress. The truth of the matter is (acording to Hans Seyle 1979): there isn't a single hormone that is stress. When the mind is stressed, there is a surge of release of all hormones, followed by a period of regression in which the body is depleted of all hormones. During this phase a person is more vulnerable to viruses and bacteria, as well as mental illnesses.

What does this have to do with anything? Stress is directly correlated with illness, both mentally and physically, thus it's a terrible notion to be aware that we are causing it in another. We try so hard cure stress through sex, drugs, and eating excessively, rather than admitting to people that they are stressing us out.

These thoughts disturb me. I don't want to be the source of a person's stress and unaware of it. Because of this I vow that I will appreciate any friend as truly a friend when they are willing to admit some of the things (keep in mind not always BAD things) that cause them stress. Even if there is nothing to be done about it, or if i choose to do nothing about it, it is nice to know what I can avoid around certain people in order to avoid stressing them out. I'm not saying I'll change myself, I know that I won't, but often it's little stupid things that stress people out, so please, let me know in either a comment or email (or phone call, if you really love me)

comments on this one, too, don't let me get carried away with this comment thing

Email is MC_Cancer_Pants at yahoo.de

Here's to friendship

2004-04-20T00:58:37Z

I went over to abby's house today, she wasn't home when I got there, so I got to spend a wonderful hour outside writing. It was a beautiful day. She came home and we talked for a while, got food, and had a genuinely fun time. Friends are a lot better than relationships.

When you enter a relationship (a serious one, that is) you sacrifice a friendship and replace it with misplaced hormones and passion. Over time the relatively simple passion gets boring and you're left with something meaningless, yet so meaningful, ie a trap. Friends are much better, friends enjoy themselves and each-other regardless of any meaningless pretenses.

My mind is full of glee when I'm with my friends (unless their misplaced teen-aged hormones cause them "depression"), more than it is during an important and arranged to be meaningful date--even when it's passed off as spontaneous.

When you become involved in a relationship with a person (at least for teenagers, I can't speak for much beyond them, obviously) you're saying "Hey, I have these biological desires, and, well I want you to fufill them" Whether they're physical or emotional, they feel the same, and they feel wonderful, but it's not the person that feels wonderful, it's the feeling you're sacrificing a friend for a feeling.

I love having wonderful friends, thanks for putting up with my misplaced teen-aged emotions, My good friends (in alphabetical order to avoid conflict):

Abby, Adam, Chris, Danielle, Erika, Katy, Sean, Slava

Comments allowed on this one, fire away

greatromance @ 2004-04-18T12:51:00

2004-04-18T17:05:19Z

So I'm teaching myself tactile and vestibular sense. It's not quite graceful enough to be called gymnastics or dancing, but not as refined, focused and powerful as extreme martial arts. It's sort of... qui voces... stercus. How you say... shit. but I'm developing a sense of balance and understanding of my body, right now i'm working on cartwheels and handstands, it's kind of pathetic to watch.

Katy, Slava, and Gene stopped by last night and, as strange as it may sound, Slava helped me get the hand-stand down. Slava did some hardcore gymnastics, where's a camera when you need it, eh?

It was nice sitting outside with them by headlight and internet radio. It was kind of like a block-party (whatever that is). People should spend more time outside, it's lovely.

My work Training Schedule:
It looks like a lot of time, but each shift is only 2.5hrs, 12.5hrs total

SUN 4-25: 3:30-6:00
MON 4-26: 6:15-8:45
TUES 4-27: 6:15-8:45
WEDS 4-28: 6:15-8:45
THUR S-29: 5:30-7:00

Looking at the schedule closer, I notice that Danielle got hired too. I have two shifts with her, should be fun. Maybe i'll end up *gasp* making new friends.

greatromance @ 2004-04-15T00:38:00

2004-04-15T04:38:39Z

Okay, so I decided to do a bit of research on ovulation of all things. Now, i'm going to try explaining it in a way that you guys might understand:

;This is liscensed under the GPL - God's Program Liscense
;Copyright 'God' date:#null
;Please e-mail me at prayer@goatse.cx if you find anything wrong with
;this system. I will ignore you. Do not modify the source or you will
;be stricken with sexually transmitted diseases. This is your only
;warning.

if $age > 9 + $rnd(0 , 5) {
  gosub beginMenstration
}

sub beginMenstration
for $cntMenopause 0 400 + $rnd(0 , 50) {
   gosub ovulate
   for $cntFertile 0 6 {
       gosub fndSperm
       wait 1
   }
   next $cntFertile
   wait 8
   for $cntBleeding 0 2 + $rnd(0 , 4) {
      gosub period
      wait 1
   }
   next $cntBleeding
   gosub endPeriod
   $CD = 10 + rnd(0 , 14)
   wait $CD 
}
next $cntMenopause
HALT

sub ovulate
echo "Egg"
return

sub fndSperm
if sperm in $vagina {
   if sperm in $egg {
      $bolPregnant = 1
   }
   else {
      $bolPregnant = 0
      $cntFail = $cntFail + 1
   }
}
return

sub period
Echo "Blood"
$strMood = "bitch"
$intEsteem = 0 + rnd(0 , 9)
$intPain = 4 + cntBleeding ^ $rnd(0 , 3)
return

sub endPeriod
Echo ""
$strMood = "releived"
$intEsteem = 0 + rnd(0 , 9)
$intPain = 0
return

Last night...

2004-04-13T22:52:57Z

It was raining last night, it was beautiful.

My insomnia kicked in on 11 (my-time) and lasted well into 12mt. I became restless and tempted by the beautiful onslaught of noised caused by rain hitting the roof outside me. I decided that a serene walk outside should be in line. I found myself lying naked on the wet pavement. I closed my eyes for a moment and felt a deeper fear than I had yet known. My body wanted dry clothing, my tactile senses numbed by the cold rain. My ears were deafened by the perpetual hum of rainfall, which was in turn drowned out by my own thoughts. With my eyes closed my body lost all sense of place and safety. In my mind the most gruesome events played me. It was then that I realised: The greatest sense we have is not tactile, nor auditory, nor visual--but ambulatory: being able to get up and walk away from a situation. Without this keen sense of our own desire and well-being we would be lost, domesticated animals seeking pleasureable stimuli. A great deal of people I know have given up this sense to drug addictions; and, I myself am glad to still have it. I went inside and fell into my bed, warm and complete. My senses had calmed down at the advent of normal stimuli. I felt wonderful, in the same situation as was driving me insane in my insomniac state not half an hour ago.

Maybe the nights really do seem so dark because the days are much too bright. Maybe I'll step back and look at how much I'm blinding myself. Maybe we all should.

I just got a call from Rich Fossali...

2004-04-12T21:25:11Z

the owner of ColdStone, I got the job.

Abby doesn't hate me.

I organized my mp3 collection (which included alot of deleting) I now have 4.9gigs of mp3s, 3/4 of them in descriptive directories, got tired of organizing them and gave up on the last quarter.

All of my files are backed up for a fresh install of XP, slava has a CD I can use.

I found out that I love scriptfellow, Codename Alexandria Subroutines make most of the scripts i'm writing alot easier on my end.

I watched the first episode of a ninja turtles DVD I got for easter, it's the new cell-shaded series--It's not as bad as I thought it would be--in fact I enjoy it.

My amazon order for Kindred the Embraced - The Complete Vampire Collection finally posted, should arrive the 14th - 15th

I'll be watching it this weekend religiously, if anyone wants to join me at my house, no one has come over in a long time.

How cute

2004-04-04T20:39:19Z

I think it's really interesting how people simplify life into black and white--It's sure as hell a lot easier to deal with that way.

Everyone does it in some way or annother. Life is complex, but if we make it easier (usually through talking to people) it's suddenly within our grasp and control--something that humans desire more than anything. We want order in random events and control over the order, so life is changed into whatever motivation we seek. We can fool ourselves, quite easily.

I post on a john Shirley message board and a guy has been going on for a few days about his epiphany about refined sugar and it's deteriorating effects.

He seems to be convinced that this is the only problem with life and that everything is wonderful, if we simply do away with refined sugar.

here's what he had to say:

I experienced a profound revelation yesterday, April first, my personal New Year's Day.
I suddenly realized just what precisely are the ingredients in the Red and Blue Pills.

Red Pill = H20
Blue Pill = Sugar

I have been on the Red Pill for 15 days now, and you better believe my eyes are wide open and clear.

As an alleghory to our situation in realtime present day, the Matrix movies hit many a nerve right on the head.

One of them is the perception that we are all "plugged into the Matrix", so to speak.

I guarantee you all that your intake of refined sugar in its various insidious forms (wholly excepting natural sugars which are good for you) have been keeping you plugged in to this "Matrix", for real, no kidding, I am being perfectly serious.

Please understand something.

When I urge any or all of you to "wake up", it is meant with the utmost respect towards your individual beings and harmonious potential to exist on this planet, under our star, as "GOD" intended.

It is not meant as an "insult", or a condescending statement. It is being said merely because I really care about your wellbeings, and I really wouldn't urge you all to "wake up" if I didn't explicitly think it would not drastically improve your lives.

So you merely have got to ask yourselves, in earnest and for REAL:

"Which Pill would I take, seriously?"

Because it is a perfectly reasonable and acceptable option to take the blue pill.

If you are such who would prefer the blue pill, I will make a deal with you and refrain from telling you to "wake up".

But if you're the sort who *thinks* you would want to take the Red Pill...

...All I'm saying is that YOU CAN.

My neighbor yesterday noticed my upbeat manner and enthusiastic talking and he came right out and said to me,
"Man what are you on, and can I have some?"

I looked directly back at him and said "Yes, you can have some."

Just as he was looking intrigued as to what I was about to offer him, I looked him steadily in the eye and explained that I was on Day 14 of having absolutely BANNED REFINED SUGAR FROM MY BODY.

Think about it.

It's absolutely wonderful how he can be so happy and feel so complete over something so simple and insignificant. It makes me wonder: Is anything really significant? what makes me think that important things to me are actually important? I guess there is no reason to have an operationally defined system of importance. This pulls me in the direction of subjective reality even more.

greatromance @ 2004-04-04T00:19:00

2004-04-04T05:18:48Z

Sometimes i'll start to think that I have something going for me.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

greatromance @ 2004-04-03T01:07:00

2004-04-03T06:19:27Z

She takes everything I do so aggresively now. I don't want a fucking relationship with her, even if she herself were to; I want a friend that I can talk to. I've never felt worthless before. I ask if she wants to hang out with me and she walks away as if i've asked "Will you marry me?"; Any attempt at physical contact is interpreted as sexual intercourse.

More than anything I don't want this to be a big deal. She's a great person and I'm not bitching and moaning that she's moved on. I'm bitching and moaning that she doesn't care at all about me. No one has made me feel worthless.

I asked if she wanted to see me again, an honest question lingering in my mind. She says she doesn't care--more over, she doesn't care.

"I don't care", not meaning "I don't know", but "I don't give a shit what you think"

I'm at a complete loss as to what made her not care if I live or die. I understand that she doesn't care about my emotional status, but jesus fucking christ, what did I do to deserve complete apathy bordering on hatred?

Examining the subconscious anatomy of ghosts

2004-03-28T16:03:31Z

Humans are particularly good at bias. We select where our attention is given, focusing our awareness on only a select part of what we are capable of experiencing. Humans are the only creatures capable of perceptual adaptation, changing (typically visual) input in order to make the world seem to have order. Chickens, when fitted with distorting glasses, continue to peck at the same empty space where the grain seems to be (Hess, 1956; Rossi, 1968).

In addition, we posess a biologically predisposed perceptual set, a set of ideas, based upon the first available information. Memories are altered and even constructed based upon these perceptual sets (Stephen Lindsay, Debra Poole 1995). Oakhill's (1990) beleif bias says that our prexistant beliefs distort our ability to use logic.

Where am I going with this?
After a break-up, our minds construct the details based upon what it wants to rememmber. (I'm not about to go off on annother quantum rant). Invariably we seek memories that support our beliefs. We will alter, repress, or even construct memories that support our ideas. What does this have to do with relationships? In my experience, those that have ended the relationship typically recall it as being worse than it actually was. They seek memories that support their decision as a good idea.

In the other person, the inverse effect goes on: They repress all of the memories and recall specific memories in order to make the relationship seem flawless. That is why you see people "break up" multiple times. The person ending the relationship is causing the other person to destroy bad memories--That's why it often seems healthy, while in reality, it's nothing but brain-washing. Their poor memories of the relationship are made up for by the other person's wonderful memories, so they date again and it seems the same; yet, it's nowhere near the same. The more it happens, the more the relationship becomes one-sided. Although they don't understand what they're doing, they experience the fruit of their actions, and don't understand the connection between their actions and the hurt it later causes themselves.

So: After a relationship ends, the person initiating the end will recall the relationship as worse than it was, but the person who was broken up with will recall it as much better than it actually was.

In my experience, this is true: I recall the relationships which I broke as being terrible, it's the human ability to manufacture order. I feel more complete having recalled them as poor relationships. On the other hand, I recall with great joy the relationships in which I was broken up with.

What is my point? I don't know, I don't expect anyone to be able to overcome their human bias.

Theory of Quantum Reality:

2004-03-25T00:42:28Z

Freud's "Interpretation of Dreams" theory claims that REM sleeping (vivid sometimes lucid dreams) are unrestrained symbology of our innate drives. His theory has been criticized and disproven by modern research which views them as information processing times that help sift through experiences in our memory--for that reason, REM sleep increases following stressful experiences or intense learning periods (Palumbo, 1978). This brings light to the "Why don't you sleep on it?" idea.

But what about twisted nightmares? Why do they seem so real? What kind of memory can these be sifting through? constructed? perhaps our minds--perhaps reality functions with quantum physics. Perhaps, throughout the day, every possibility has occured simultaneously. Maybe, during sleep, our mind determines which reality we remember based upon what we believe to be (what our nerual structures allow us to think) laws of the universe are. Maybe our minds later decide which of these possible realities we prefer. Maybe everyone's reality is different and it is a latter process that choses a reality in which the people around us agree with us. Perhaps memory exists in two demensions with only one progression of events, so our mind conforms reality from an infinite number of dimensions to a two-demensional timeline for storage. Perhaps, in some way, the mentally ill have minds that have formed differently, that choose a different quantum output. But why are we all so seemingly similar in our solutions? Perhaps cognitive darwinism--or maybe OUR quantum output is the ultimate truth of what happens naturally--yet requires assembly in two demensions later to understand.

When you think about it, everything that you're doing now is nothing more than a memory later on. Your present activity is a product of your bias and perspective in the future, as well as that of everyone else that observed you--Yet, these seperate truths exist with one annother in real-time. Why is it so strange to think that life actually works this way? that there is a mean quantum output of life from which things deviate only slightly (comparatively).

Maybe time doesn't progress in two demensions, but is later decided upon by our mind, as all else is. Maybe time is created through the assimilation of the quantum world into a two-demensional spectrum.

Perhaps we can control the output of our internal quantum computers--Maybe we can defy natural laws. Perhaps Jesus acheived this truth, and was able to defy what we consider natural laws (through miracles) through the use of the 'Holy Spirit' Perhaps we are all God, but are limited by our views of natural law--perhaps there is a way to unlock control of our lives.

This is the basis for the novel i'm writing.

Here's a question/answer session with sean, I hope it clears up some confusion:
Sean: how does quantum physics play a role on sleep?
Sean: im trying to bridge it
Sean: and im lost
Eli: REM sleep, the stuff that lucid dreams are made of
Eli: though most of the time they aren't lucid
Sean: the theory and laws of two subatomic particals have any weight on sleep
Eli: is a time in which data is fully parsed and turned into memories
Sean: no the physics of that has what to do with it?
Eli: The quantum model applies to more than just atoms.
Sean: but physics just applies to how they interact
Eli: the physics describe the demensions in which the electrons exist
Sean: and..
Eli: how the subatomic particles interact
Eli: which is an infinite list of simultaneous outcomes
Eli: out of which the "correct" solution seems to come from air.
Sean: something seems off.
Eli: Why?
Sean: it doesn't fit in my mind
Eli: hmm
Sean: a dream is a cognative response
Eli: maybe I did a poor job explaining it
Eli: No--that is freud's downfall
Eli: it's not a response or introspection into anything.
Eli: during REM dreaming neurotransmitter blockers that disable vivid memory are disabled
Eli: effectively allowing more vivid memories than in real life.
Eli: which makes sense because while awake, vivid memories would blur the line between reality and memory.
Sean: i see.
Sean: i wish i had dreams
Eli: So while in REM sleep we experience a level of experiencing memories that we cannot experience while awake
Eli: the fact that REM sleeping increases when we have more to think about, and the fact that goign a day without sleep often makes us forget the first day, leads one to believe that the day is made concrete through the REM dreams
Eli: so your day hasn't really been lived until you sleep.
Eli: what you're feeling right now will not be how you rememmber feeling it tomorrow
Eli: thus what you feel right now is irrelivant
Eli: how you rememmber feeling is the only reality that matters
Eli: what makes you think that your presently conscious reality is the only one that exists?
Sean: i see.
Sean: aristocilies argued this point i believe.
Eli: if we have nightmares, which are extremely fantastic and greusome realities, then how can they exist if they did not happen in real life?
Sean: maybe
Eli: Memory only works in two demensions
Eli: My theory is that all of the demensions of life are later put into two demensions
Sean: what we experience is probably a twisted mix of what we go through
Eli: and that what happened is determined by which life we choose
Sean: like all the movies we go through
Eli: ??
Sean: they are visual stories that probably has an effect
Sean: like when a little kids see a scary movie
Sean: and wake up with a nightmare
Eli: excellent point
Sean: its probably them placing them selves in the role of some poor person who gets killed
Eli: let me respond to that
Sean: when we get older
Eli: hold on
Sean: we can then act it out differently
Sean: almost finished with this point
Eli: kk
Sean: so our imagincation may take a trip and we act out what we saw the way we wanted it to happen, but again we might place our selves as the person being killed, in some cases the one doing the killing.
Sean: i can't spell
Eli: that is a very good point, i'm glad you brought it up
Sean: k
Sean: thanks
Sean: you'll give me credit in the novel i assume ;-)
Sean: (kidding)
Eli: By definition, every possibility must happen to us to be truly quantum, What our mind later does is ask "okay, based upon the laws of nature that I know, which one of these is realistic?" and if, for instance, that day you saw a scary movie, you would sift through that and think, did this actually happen to me? and play it out. Of course you wake up and call it a "nightmare" because your mind ultimately chose a different reality, which was that you went to a movie and it was scary.
Sean: wouldn't that then keep things in current demensions?
Eli: No.
Sean: eh?
Eli: My argument is that the prior day, everything happened in every way, and our mind decided which one of these actually happend (read: which one you WANT to have happened). It is not truly decided what happened until you REM sleep: and in this way, if your mind choses to remember annother reality, that is what happened.
Eli: The ability to interphere with REM sleeping is the ability to manipulate the world.
Eli: interfere**
Sean: i see.
Sean: explain comma patients
Eli: You mean, how they wake up and don't rememmber anything?
Sean: no
Sean: how they can just stay in a fake world
Sean: i need food.
Eli: Perhaps their neural structures have been damaged to make it harder to decifer which realities are possible, maybe they're stuck in an unending loop of possible outcomes until their brain has repaired itself (neurogenesis is close to impossible) enough to realize that it hasn't recorded anything into it's two-demensional memory.
Eli: I'm really not sure

well there you go, blog in verse--I swear it's how my mind is thinking right now.

2004-03-21T17:55:43Z

There's no feeling quite like being told by a stray condom wrapper,
that your life is a lie--except perhaps, being told by a stray bullet.
I decided that the safest place for me was behind the wheel.
I pointed my car north and went seventy miles in an hour--until I ran out of gas.
I called home for money, and decided to return home.
On that same seventy miles I spent but forty minutes.
Do I feel better? not in the least--I don't posess enough coherence for that.
The gas handle spilled onto me--to be inhaled all the way home.
And to think... my week waited for this day.
What's worse is to think... this next will wait for naught.

greatromance @ 2004-03-18T21:07:00

2004-03-19T02:07:09Z

I was digging through some old files, apparently I was an angsty kid:

So many people
there are so many people
who say they love me
i believe they love me
and in return i love them
yet all of this 'love'
is getting me nowhere
it is like a leech
privation being its only goal
sucking away at my blood
leaving me empty
laying mangled preparing to die
then bring me back up
to hurt me again
but in all of this pain
there is only one thing i seem to gain
i gain an immunity
an immunity to love and all of its sorrow
building me up, just to tear me down tommorow
but with this wall being erected in my heart
also blocks out the wonders of love

I fear that never again will i wake up with love
I fear that forever i will wakeup and be lonely
I used to feel this love i speak of
but now its a distant dream, and a dream only

There is a wall in my heart
A wall built by my mind
built to prevent annother restart
to stop this cycle that seems to always leave me behind

Over and over the same things happen
I lie to myself, lie and say it will be different
exadurate a minute charictoristic again and again
A love that is perfect, only with a squint

Never again will this wall in my heart
let anything meaningful into my life
Because my heart knows, nomatter how it may start
I know i'll just end up again in tears with a knife

But this wall is slowly killing me
Stopping my blood, and killing me inside
i try and be happy and let no one see
all of this pain and anger i hide

I sit for hours waiting for the anger to subside
and become merely pain inside. consealable
but this pain adds up and builds this wall inside
and leaves my heart empty and dull

Never again will my heart trust my mind
Never again.

greatromance @ 2004-03-16T08:51:00

2004-03-16T14:03:50Z

I've finally found a remmedy; one that cures any ailment. Ice and mouthwash seem to overpower any sickness or depression. I can numb anything to the point of only faint recognition and then overpower my senses with the strong taste of mouthwash.

I've been putting alot of ice on my head recently, and alot on my heart. I burned my finger yesterday. No blisters have shown upon it so I won't worry about it.

I'll probably have a job in about a month; the duration between seems meaningless as it will be spent waisting time nomatter what I do. It will be nice to have somthing to devote my attention to. I'm giving up on video games. I'm going to try improving myself. Maybe I can get some money and buy some nice clothes. Maybe then I can feel as if I'm completing somthing. Right now I feel like a series of open-ended promises and little else. I'm going to speak with the principal about using my laptop in class. I waste a good 2 hours total per day doing nothing when the teachers are having a hard time controlling the rest of the class or have not planned enough for the period. It would be nice to be able to write in school: I'm hoping to write a novel soon.

Before I write fiction I think i'm going to write a few non-fiction essays, so I have a point to my writing. I hate when writers don't really prove any point. I view authors like that as highly as I do most movies. They're just a series of strange events that don't mean anything--Which could characterize the life I'm trying to ignore through reading. I love when books have a meaning, a continuous thought not stated or easily interpreted. If I ever get around to writing anything I'll make annother livejournal and post it chapter-by-chapter for criticism. I'd really like to go through with this, so I can have somthing to focus myself on.

Well, I'm going to take a nap before second period.

This morning

2004-03-13T20:47:31Z

Danni is back in town. We went down to Shakespeare Tavern in Atlanta and saw a midsummer night's dream. It was a wonderful presentation, one of the greatest spectacles yet to bring itself to my attention. After the play I spent the night with Slava, Katy, and Danielle. They were nice to me in both day and night. I'm grateful: It's nice to fit in. I slept comparativly well, the foam pad of the cot was nectar to my aching bones and weary heart. It had been a long day, and I had experienced almost every emotion, though most supressed. I slept and had another nightmare. Upon my wake form Knoppka I tried to recall the events in my mind to much success; yet, now the unfolding escapes me. I rememmber waiting all week for a date with abby this coming wednesday, and tonight she was in my presence on the phone with an indisclosed other party. She said 'No, I'm not doing anything wednesday, that would be lovely'. It crushed my spirits, as it often does to see attention believed to be mine going completely out to another party communicating with her likewise. It was my attention taken in order to destroy my date using my speech. Perhaps I'm being selfish. I've added lovely and wonderful to her every day speech. For that I am happy, so long as they bear meaning. After recanting events as such, I heard Katy and Knoppka come back in from their morning walk and went up to spend time with them. After a few breif moments danni had to work, after which, on an unrelated note I wished my goodbyes and said that I probably wouldn't return. I left immediately to Abby's house. I wanted to see her happy--the two of us happy together. I came and learned of her ailments and tried to help as I could. I brought a smile to her face and my world was complete (I wish that could be in a present tense). We enjoyed eachother for hours until the unavoidable came to surface. I would say that it's effects were naught on the wonderful day yet on the moment. Today was full of wonderous joy still.

I've come to the conclusion that I need and island, I can not enjoy swimming as do others amongst eachother in the sea. I can not continue to force myself. I need somthing of a firmer state to assume the inconsistancy of my person.

Some dread the land, viewing themselves as beached whales; yet, I dance of merriment, somthing impossible in the maelstrom of the sea. I am a land-lover by nature.

I know that spring has come, and the sea's cool waters do nourish. I am sad to see these times go. Let that not stop you. I say to you go my friends, swim to your heart's notion.

I will be alone on the shore if you get tired, until annother island full of merriment and dance should come to my eyes. I will no longer force your presence, as we both feel the heat of summer approaching, and I feel your desire for cool summer waters.

It's time to swallow this masquerade along the beaches. Nor of us are where we want to be. Swim, my love, til your heart's content. I'll be here for a while... and maybe one day we can dance in the shallow surf, as we did some beautiful nights.